it seems that it's only on the days that i have a migrane (and there are few) that my father is compelled to vacuum, cook wierd smelling foods and light incense.

i don't hate valentines day. i just wanted to say that. it's really not as big of a deal as everybody makes it out to be. it's not a big deal when you're with someone and it's not a big deal when you're without someone because every other day of the year is the same. it's just that today one might receive a bouquet of roses or some heart shaped boxes.

spencer gave me a mix cd and i love it.
mike geary gave me a godzilla valentine.
rachel shared her chocolate with me.
kelly bought me a carnation.
amanda gave me some of those tiny and
sugary sweet hearts.
jahaira gave me a cookie.
matt wished me a happy valentines day.
ariana didn't hate valentine's day for once.

Max gave kiyo a valentine and a photo.
Steve gave maria a card.

these gestures all made me really really happy. nothing came of the tyler thing but i don't care very much about it.
i don't think i care because... really... nothing is there. i just like to think that things are there, but i'm already happy without those extra things that i think would just be nice to have.

i was accepted to the school of the art institute of chicago, savannah and moore in philadelphia. i'm waiting to hear from pratt and massart. i visited pratt (it's in brooklyn) on saturday. i spent the day in boston with pauline yesterday. i was awarded a silver key for this two-fold water-color (that i still haven't posted. oops.) from the boston globe scholastic art awards. it was pleasant, but all of this really overwhelmed me and i'm really afraid of the future.

AHHHH!

i found out that i'm norweigan.

i haven't thought about don in a while. i haven't missed him in a long time. i don't now. i just sometimes think of him. i think that i may think of him just because it's weird to me to not think of people that were once very much a part of me. i stumbled upon his livejournal a while back and was disappointed to see that he hasn't changed all that much. i'm not sure that it makes him bad. i mean maybe he has and i just don't realize it. people hate me because i act like i think i know everything. i know i don't know everything. i just didn't see anything that was so different. i guess that a couple of years ago i had just imagined that he'd be a lot further along than he is today. i guess i'm relieved.

i'm relieved because things happened the way they did. i wouldn't be where i am i don't think otherwise.

i miss nelson. i don't remember his number or what brought on the end of our friendship. it's not that i didn't care, but i think that i was just tired, not of him, but just tired. i wonder what's happening with him. i ought to leave him a note.

maria has grown to be one of the most beautiful individuals i have ever encountered. it is not a recent realization, but these past few days of being around her have really awed me. though she's a year younger, i look up to her as much as i would a mentor. she has energy. she has strength. she has beauty. she has sensitivity. she has talent. she has spirit and she has her youth. i don't think that she knows how much i admire her for all that she is.

i miss brittnie and i wish she were happy and with me.

i'm really happy that i met spencer this year. i want to us to be famous and of the same entourage.

rachel brings some spunk into my life.

i went to jaclyn's friday night. i love her and i think that she knows it. for all that we've been through together, we ought to be friends. i missed her.

i still have that migrane, but i'm still feeling pleasant. i haven't taken my medication in a few days and i wonder if it's just a high that i'm experiencing. i went to my psychologist on wednesday. (i go every wednesday at 5:15) and we talked about it for a while. i haven't decided yet whether i'd rather be on it and feel heavily sedated, dull and tired all the time or if i'd like to experience the speed and crash of this little thing i have. i'm on lithium, seroquel and lamictal. i've pretty much cut out the seroquel and lamictal though. at first, it felt sort of neat to be on all of this shit. i'm not going to deny it.
i felt good that i had just something that was mine to have and deal with and to talk about if i so choosed to do so. it was never cool, but for once it was something i could say to excuse all that i was feeling. i hate it now. it's made me sick and boring. i fall asleep spending time with my friends and i love them too much to be like this right now. it might not matter when i'm 50, but i really just want to enjoy them. i'm not going to let any of this shit have control.

where has atom been my whole life?

i wonder if paulette and i are going to see eachother tomorrow.
i think that i'd like to go to prom. i'm not sure who i'd like to go with, but i'd just like to go. i'm still in high school. i should do some things that other high school students do. looking at dresses online with jaclyn really made me want to go.

i'm really tired and i'd like to talk to alex for a little while on the phone. i'm going to go. this was a release. i don't normally let things out. i really hate online journals and myspace accounts, but i sort of understand now while it feels sort of nice to be public about your feeling and your life. it makes you feel that when you're writing it, the whole world will see it. maybe some people will understand. others might just be bored and need something to do while they eat their spaghettios or cereal. maybe they care or they like to know everything. i'm not sure that i like it, but i don't know. i don't know.

i'm going to bed. today was all right.